Subject Status Directory

12:10am: thoughts on why i feel separated from other people
I suppose the difference between me and most people I meet is that actually crappy things have happened to me. And so when more crappy things happen to me, I don't hide from them. I may drive off in my car and cuss at God. Or be a little turd to my parents. Or quit speaking to everyone and read books in my room. Or fill up my time as much as possible so I don't have to deal with things.

But in the end, I choose to be alone with my thoughts. I finally look myself in the eye and see the garbage. And then I deal with it. And I try to change. Try at least.

I suppose the difference between me and most people I meet is that I try to grab whatever happiness comes my way, but when I goes (and it always goes), I may be angry and sad, but I am never surprised. Never blind-sided.


And I may be a self-righteous prick for separating myself in this way. Actually, I am a bit of a self-righteous prick.

But I'm working on it. I'm working on it.


Frau Lippo Lippi was right.
I am a beast.
I know.

4:11pm: i love melissa

5:33pm: "I am a beast, I know."
Saturday.


I went to the Mullet Fest with Emm, Cody, and Stephanie. It was really good to see them again (however, I don't really know Stephanie that well).
I watched In The Arms of Strangers: Stories of the Kindertransport with my dad. It's about the 10,000 or so Jewish kids who were sent away from their parents as refugees to England during the Jewish persecution, but before the actual outbreak of WWII. I cried a good bit.
More later. I am so tired today.

4:09pm: Dream about me.
Both of my suite-mates and my roommate have left town for the weekend. Robert and I are going to the Stone Cup. It's a coffee shop in down town Chatt. I've never been, so he's taking me. I'm pretty excited.

I've been sick all week long. Some days are worse than others. Yesterday I started feeling really good, then it all just hit the fan. I almost could get out of bed today. I did and went to my two classes for today, then ate and slept from 12-3. I've been sitting around for the past hour and 45 min waiting for Robert to finish is laundry.

Tonight, after the we get back, I'm going to the Rugby game. We're playing UT. We're going to get creamed, but I don't care. I love rugby and I love our rugby team. I'm looking forward to it.

While I was sleeping today, I had a series of weird dreams. They were all the kind that made you feel like you were still awake and it was really happening.

1:59pm: Christina, I saw you in a magazine-uh
"Out here in the country
Where stars they shine
You can even take a walk by moonshine
Though I long to stay
I've just got to go
Where money is made
Cold winds blow

How I long to feel that Summer
In my heart

And the days were so long
And nothing could go wrong
With my heart
And the days were so long
And nothing could go wrong
With my heart

How I long to feel that Summer
In my heart"  

--"How I long to feel that summer in my heart" by Gorky's Zygotic Mynci



I really like listening to peaceful things right now.
I have a paper to write and some business e-mails to send (dumb) and then I have one hundred pages to read and a one-page annotated bibliography to do. I slept for almost two hours this afternoon. Right now, it feels like five-o'clock to me, but I do have to write a story for my next class at four, so there's quite a bit more of the day to go.

I sleep a lot these days. I never get enough at night. I should be able to get by with seven hours, but it just isn't working.

Mum and Matt are coming into town on Friday. I am rather excited about it. We'll go thrifting

Becky and I have yet to finish Spirited Away. That is one crazy movie, but it is also so good.
Jared and I have a movie list to go down. We've each seen half and want the other to see the half we've seen, so we will slowly be watching them together. He made me watch Exorcism of Emily Rose last Wednesday. It actually wasn't scary at all, just sort of gross in places.

On Friday, I almost reported a professor to the department head. He had been giving us the wrong information about a reading for three class periods. This could just be a casual mistake, but one he wouldn't have made if he'd actually read the reading in which true answer was written more than once. So, at this point in time, I could actually teach this class instead of him, but Professor C. is still responsible for handing out my grade and that pisses me off.

Everyone should read "The Swimmer" by John Cheever. I am going to write a magical realism piece soon and I am excited.
Art in the Park this Friday and Poetry Reading on the 2nd. This is going to be good.

8:21pm: Death by Chocolate.
I find the list of "things that can be remedied by throwing cake" to be a long and growing one.

I'm also waiting for my libido to slow down. College is silly. I'm pretty silly too.




I miss not having to explain myself so often. I miss being able to relax when I talk to someone.

10:17pm: Kevan is wearing a tie.
I am sitting in the student union next to yet another person I do not know.
I'm perfectly alright with that, right now.

Today was the induction ceremony for Sigma Tau Delta, or STD, affectionitely.
I'm wearing my ribbon and pin. In fact, I have to wear it for a full week. I'm perfectly alright with that too. Considering how proud I am to be in a national honors society right now, it would be a safe bet to say that I'm definitely going to be wearing this pin the full seven days.

Hm.

4:15pm: Robert eats chocolate cake and we are friends.
Why I don't like other females: ensnaring the unsuspecting male and ruining him like a crocodile drags a drinking baby gazelle into a lake via its neck.




Why sometimes I can be very stupid: i nice lotion from my mother all over my face, arms, legs, feet, hands, wondered why i felt like i was covered in honey. turns out, it was body wash and i'd done the functional equivalent of slathering myself with soap.





The End.

11:08pm: Some young fundamentalist children are afraid of growing up to be the anti-christ.
This makes me hurt

"This is great because I love Charles Dickens and he is a great American author."

When did this happen? I'm pretty sure Dickens didn't change nationalities all of a sudden, seing as he's dead and all. I always thought that where you lived when you were alive was where you lived, period. Unfortunately, after you die, people drag you all over the freaking place.

So, I've been reading again and I've realized that Bosnia and Kosovo are pretty much screwed. Also, the Serbs are sort of freaky. I'm starting to dislike them about as much as I dislike Russia.

I slept two hours last night.
I slept four the night before.
I don't know how many I will get tonight.
Good God, I'm staying alive purely because I keep eating everything I see. I think my body has found a way to turn calories into rest, because I tried to take a nap today and it wouldn't work. I just started "wake-dreaming" instead. By the way, that's the term I invented just now to describe the condition when your brain only half shuts off, but you're still dreaming and listening to what's happening around you and thinking about it, also, as if all that's not enough, your body's not actually asleep either. It's sort of like being in a coma, which doesn't help very much.


But I'm certain that I'm going to make it even though the end doesn't feel anywhere in sight.


And oh precious children, those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. It's why you need to know history. You can't really argue you stance on the war in Iraq if you don't know the historical events that led up to it. Seriously. More people need to read. If they did, then maybe they'd be less stupid.

7:18pm: The Road I Probably Won't Take Because I'm Not Paying Attention To Where I'm Going
So, I thought you should know this.

Instead of saying "The Road Less Traveled," which is the correct name for Robert Frost's famous poem, my dad calls it "The Road Not Taken."

Freudian slip directed toward his irresponsible daughter? Hah. Maybe so. Maybe so.

2:08pm: Kind words from a stranger.
I received this comment on my wordpress.
It's pretty safe to say that I wasn't expecting this and that it was all sorts of encouraging.

"I happened on this blog looking for images of elephant ears. I’ve heard of people being allergic to the sap. I’m not thankful as my yard is full of them. Just because of how randomly I happened onto this blog I thought I would say that I wish you’d write your stories anyway even though you feel they deserve a more practiced pen. After all, that (in itself) is practice. If I could give you some unsolicited advice (take it or leave it), a proper editor would edit out anything unnecessary, so keep your writing very simple and only add things in order to clarify when absolutely necessary.

The fact that you write the blog and take time to write at all is proof that you’re a writer. You also read, so you know how important it is already. I’m probably old enough to be your mom, but I took the time to read your blog. So thanks for writing it. (: ))

God Bless Writers.

xo Gwen"


I just thought this was pretty cool.

2:22pm: I miss Dumbledor
I just finished Harry Potter 6--The Half-Blood Prince and I am crying.

I'm still crying.

They feel like real people.

11:39am: And as always, LJ gets me when I'm most uncomfortable and moody.
The longer I sit here, the more and more aware I become that I really need to believe in something right now.

My current lack of hope is rather staggering.






I don't really have any big news for you all.
I get up and go to work.
I come home from work and hang out with my mom (who is consequently the only one still awake).
I then read Harry Potter until I go to sleep.

This is all I do these days. I've gotten to hang out with people this week, which is odd for me of late.

Also, if I haven't returned your calls, I'm sorry. If I'm not at work, then I'm usually not awake in the mornings anymore.


Harry Potter party tonight. I'm so excited, but not at the same time.

For those who see me if I decide to go out and about tonight, I'm in a bit of a down mood right now, due to my inability to keep myself from having ridiculous mood swings (this is not new, just new to my awareness of it).

12:00pm: "He just liked pit bulls"--- the afternoon news.
Saw Order of the Pheonix. Loved it.

Word is a butt face. I have a day off tomorrow night, which is nice. Haven't had one of those since last Friday.

On the East Coast, someone has been making Colgate toothpaste filled with anti-freeze. That pretty much sucks.

I've been having real trouble sleeping at night and thus trouble getting up in the morning.
I don't like that.




My mom is having our water shut off again. This is bad because I have to pee a lot.

11:42pm: I'd like to have this shirt.






I think that the best way to combat my own pretension/indie snobbery is to make fun of it.

10:05pm: Doughnut anyone?
Crime stoppers in Escambia County is on the lookout for a 40 year old man.



He is reportedly was offering children certain objects.

Direct quote: Hey, would you like a creme filled treat... or a doughnut?




I'm sorry but I think if anyone offered me a "creme filled treat" I'd probably just stand there laughing. What a kidnapping failure.

6:54pm: 2nd July 07
I love magical realism.

I watched Hawaii, Oslo (norweigian film) today and loved it.

There are somethings that just strike my fancy.


Man: you're not who you say you are.
Girl: neither are you.

10:14am: So I work at the Starbucks in Silver Sands.

And I start today.

Yeah.

1:58pm: My head is all crazy-like.
When I try to remember the faces of my friends
the ones I love, the ones I spend time with
I can't
And only see photos graphs I've looked at on boring afternoons
and late nights.

When I try to remember the voices of the ones I love
I have to squint and stress and then possibly remember
their voicemail messages.
And when I am lonely, it rubs that I can't conjur up
just a single phrase from a favorite memory.

I am not afraid

11:49pm: Nathan Englander is amazing.
I have mosquito bites that have turned into welts. I look like I have elephantiasis (screw spelling).
The Departed was a pretty cool movie. Made me tense. Well, I'm always tense in one way or another.

So Kids are Starting to Drink Earlier Earlier These Days.

Seriously, that there is a rather humurous story. It's short; check it out.

So, that's all I'm going to say.

12:10am: This is important* folks. * Important being absolutely relative
Exerpt from the Wikipedia article "football hooliganism"

"In 1960s Britain, and to some extent in subsequent decades and also in other countries, the skinhead and suedehead styles were popular among football hooligans. Eventually, the police started cracking down on people wearing typical skinhead clothing styles, so some hooligans changed their image. In the late 1970s, many British hooligans started wearing expensive European designer clothing, to avoid attracting the attention of authorities,. The subculture revolving around this clothing style became known as casual. Clothing lines popular with British football casuals have included: Pringle, Fred Perry, Le Coq Sportif, Aquascutum, Burberry, Lacoste, Timberland, Henri Lloyd, Lonsdale and Ralph Lauren. A BBC report in 2002 suggested that the most popular label among casuals was Stone Island."

I should've known those definitive prep designers were behind Europes soccer oriented street fighting gangs. Holy heck, looks really can kill. Ha ha. Yeah, I went there. That just happened. That's all I'm going to say.

I told a "falsehood." I have more to say.

I bought the new album "Boxer" by The National. And. It. Is. Good. I. Really. Enjoy. It.

Plus, I bought For The Relief of Unbearable Urges by Nathan Englander. It's absolutely amazing and makes me realise why I truely love short fiction. It also reaffirms my hate of Communism (ah the fancy bold text for emphasis). No, really. I really do hate Communism.

But still. Nathan is an amazing writer.

And lastly. Wes Anderson has a new movie coming out this December.  Seriously, it is calling The Darjeeling Limited and it is being released on Christmas Day of this year ( December 25, 2007 for those of you not up with the 411 about times and dates and all that fun stuff that you learn about in like 3rd grade or something).

Aha. I need to sleep. That, and contain my enthusiasm. And work on using correct sentence structure in practice for my advanced grammar class for next semester. Ah, next semester, how I already have such plans for thee.

6:21pm: Not such a mystery, not such a far away sound.
I this isn't the type of music you'd expect me to be listening to.
It isn't what I'd expect of me either.
However out of character it may be, I keep listening to Brooke Fraser.
She's a singer/songwriter of the pop-ish persuasion from New Zealand/Australia.

For some reason, her lyrics really resonate with me as of late. Some days I even wake up with one of her songs still in my head from playing in one of my dreams.

There are two particular songs that I really like of hers: Deciphering Me and Shadowfeet.

Here are links to the music videos for each, respectively.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=bHgJl9PK5xo&mode=related&search=

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Y4KiGN1j1No&mode=related&search=

12:53pm: I have Un Cold.
So, everything has been taken care of.
This is the final arrangement of my classes for next semester.

Monday and Wednesday:

Intro to English Studies (9-10)
Masterpieces of the Western World I (10-11)
Rhetoric for Writers (4-5:15)

Tuesday and Thursday:

English Language, Grammar, and Theory (7:45-9)
Intro to Christian Ethics (11:45-1)

Friday:

Intro to English Studies (9-10)
Masterpieces of the Western World (10-11)



The classes I'm most looking foreward to are Rhetoric for Writers and Masterpieces I.
The classes I'm dreading both of my Tuesday/Thursday classes.  The first one is just too early and the second one is going to be very annoying. I'm really not looking foreward to sitting in a room full of pissy little Pastoral majors who all think they're right and everyone else who disagrees is going straight to hell. Oh goody.

Jon's dating this new chick he met this summer. She's pretty and seems really nice.

I'm really glad to be home right now. Things for me are changing slower than I would like, but they are deffinitely changing. That is the most that I can ask for right now. Just as long as I'm changing and life is progressing, I think I can handle vauge dissatisfaction and no sense of place.

Today is a good day, despite my clogged sinus cavities. Yeah, that's one gross sentense right there.

I feel good today.

4:20pm: I am not in the doldrums.

Doldrums

Sailors noticed the stillness of the rising (and not blowing) air near the equator and gave the region the depressing name "doldrums." The doldrums, usually located between 5° north and 5° south of the equator, are also known as the Intertropical Convergence Zone or ITCZ for short. The trade winds converge in the region of the ITCZ, producing convectional storms that produce some of the world's heaviest precipitation regions.

The ITCZ moves north and south of the equator depending on the season and solar energy received. The location of the ITCZ can vary as much as 40° to 45° of latitude north or south of the equator based on the pattern of land and ocean. The Intertropical Convergence Zone is also known as the Equatorial Convergence Zone or Intertropical Front.

4:09pm: "There is so much unqualifiable feeling, such a mass of joy that is tied to her memory today."
Melissa changed my user icon. That's alright with me.

I picked new job applications. We'll see how everything goes.



For the past three days, I've been reading the journals of a girl named Amy who had CIDP. She was born on June 28, 1983. She died on June 17, 2004.
I've also been reading the journals of her boyfriend, a really awesome guy I sort of know through a mutual friend.

I've been reading and reading. About how much she loved everyone, about what a beautiful person she was. This is evident through almost everything that she said.
I've been reading and reading. I've been reading about how much her boyfriend loved her and how much she loved him.

The whole thing is absolutely heartbreakingly beautiful. And it's so, not because of the pathos or the melodrama. It is beautiful because Amy was living in a nightmare, but she had the grace to smile through it. She had the grace to laugh and to give. And I think that is one of the most admireable things someone can do, to love and love even when your own life has gone to hell.



Her birthday is this month. I want to do something to comemorate it, if only just for me. I'm not sure what to do.
Her birthday is this month as well. I want to do